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In this easy-to-read, science-based book, parents, caregivers, and adults of all kinds discover how discipline affects children’s development, why intervention should reinforce connection not separation, and why the disciplinary strategies that may have been used on us as children are not the ones that children really need. As a practicing child and family psychologist and advisor to the British Columbia ministry of children and families, Dr. Vanessa has seen it all, and she has navigated hundreds of tough situations with families. Drawing on scientific research and a wealth of clinical experience, she shows you how to put out the fire without dampening your child’s spirits; how to correct their behavior while emphasizing connection; and how to discipline without damage.
- Sales Rank: #188718 in Books
- Published on: 2016-01-12
- Original language: English
- Number of items: 1
- Dimensions: 8.90" h x .70" w x 5.90" l, .0 pounds
- Binding: Paperback
- 256 pages
Review
"Every year, I read most of the parenting books that are published in English, and Discipline Without Damage: How To Get Your Kids To Behave Without Messing Them Up, by Dr. Vanessa Lapointe, is one of the five best parenting books that I’ve read in the past five years... I hope that this book makes it onto the short list of every parent. I think it can change the world."
—Dr. Laura Markham, PhD, Founding editor of AhaParenting.com and author of Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids
“In Discipline Without Damage, Dr. Vanessa Lapointe explores the important question of why we discipline rather than just how. We need to question the notion that the only way to raise happy, capable and caring future adults is to punish children when they don’t behave according to our wishes. In fact, by showing that children really need kindness, fairness and a caring, safe environment, Dr. Lapointe has created a trustworthy resource for parents.”
—Maggie Dent, Author of 9 Things: A Back-to Basics Guide to Calm, Common-sense, Connected Parenting Birth
“In this eloquent book, Dr. Lapointe makes a powerful case for disciplining our children without power struggles, manipulation or control. An insightful guide for all parents!”
—Dr. Shefali Tsabary, PhD, Author of the New York Times bestselling book The Conscious Parent
“This book is a must-read for all parents who know what feels right about disciplining their kids, but have been advised to do the opposite. Dr. Lapointe combines scientific theory with her wealth of experience working with children, and gives clear examples of how to put it all into practice. Read this book and see the results in your happy, well-adjusted child.”
—Barbara Fitzgerald M.D. FRCP(C), Developmental pediatrician and Clinical associate professor, University of British Columbia
“I love this book! It’s a rare combination of science-based, practical,
respectful, and effective discipline.”
—Dr. Tina Payne Bryson, PhD, Co-author of the New York Times bestselling books The Whole-Brain Child and No-Drama Discipline
“In Discipline without Damage, Dr. Lapointe shows why communication and connection are so important for our children. And why it is especially important for us adults to discipline ourselves so that we don’t go down the path of disconnection in the name of good behavior. Read this book and discover creative ways to be with your children and respect them for who they are.”
—Vikram Vij, Chef, sommelier, and co-owner of Vij’s group of companies
"I am delighted to see a book that in theory and practice shows parents how to regulate their children's immature behaviors in constructive ways... If when we go to regulate our children's behavior we think, 'Do I want my child to grow up to treat others this way?' we will be much more inclined to use the techniques advocated in this book."
—Dr. Martha H. Pieper, PhD, Author of Smart Love: The Comprehensive Guide to Understanding, Regulating, and Enjoying Your Child
“Dr. Lapointe has given parents, family members and the professionals who work with them a wonderful gift. Discipline Without Damage should be required reading for us all. Written from a deep pool of experience and knowledge, this practical book helps us understand what children need to thrive.”
—Dana Brynelsen, OBC, LLD, Former provincial advisor, Infant Development Program of BC
About the Author
Dr. Vanessa Lapointe is a registered psychologist who has been supporting families and children for 15 years, both in private practice and through her previous work with the BC Ministry of Children and Family Development. She lives in Vancouver.
Dr. Laura Markham is the founding editor of AhaParenting.com and author of Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids.
Most helpful customer reviews
42 of 44 people found the following review helpful.
As a Psychology PhD & a parent, I struggle with some parenting books. Not this one. Loved it.
By MichelleKH
While I am PhD in the field of child Psychology, I am first and foremost a parent of young children. I own, have read, and have reviewed many books on parenting and child development. However, the parent in me has sighed (ok rolled my eyes) at the occasional parenting book, the professional scientist in me has rejected other parenting books outright, and...for a few other parenting books...the clinician in me has thought "My (parent) clients don't have the time or patience to read this lengthy and verbose, yet fabulous, book."
It was a great experience not to have any of the above reactions. While reading Discipline Without Damage, my reaction was "Finally - someone has managed to intelligently synthesize the science and practicallities all together, in an amusing, accessible fashion," with some subtle twists. This book will appeal to parents interested in intentional and attachment-based parenting, but also parents who utilize limit setting and more structured approaches.
From my research, clinical, and personal perspective, a child's emotional- and self-regulation is critical for their relationships and their future success. Children who can be co-regulated by self-regulated parents in a loving, firm, and secure fashion will grow up to be independent, successful and connected adults (who hopefully are still involved with their parents and healthier relationships across the lifespan). So - perhaps the greatest value of Dr. Lapointe's book ---- it translates what we know as scientists into real scenarios, helpful verbal phrases, and simple actions that parents can take to co-regulate and connect to their children. I confess, some of her suggested parenting expressions "just seem to connect to my children (and husband)'s limbic-emotional brains" better than my own. Equally, it also shares practical strategies for us as parents to self-regulate in challenging parent-child situations.
26 of 27 people found the following review helpful.
A great parenting reference
By Aaron Levine
I came into this book already a proponent of “attachment” style parenting so when it started off strong citing resiliency quotes reminiscent of Barbara Coloroso I had a feeling I was going to be all-in all the way through. Dr. Lapointe gets you on-side right away by immediately describing familiar meltdown scenarios all parents have experienced and couples them to the description of common reactions from the “peanut gallery” onlookers. She presents her theory that discipline is actually about the behavior of big people not children and then provides her own rationale as to why this is so.
Dr. Vanessa Lapointe makes it known early on that her goal is not to provide you with the complete set of rules to abide by in each and every situation you may encounter with your children; rather she chooses to hone on your own intuition as a parent and especially as a parent with a keen understanding of your own children’s unique needs. The manner in which she chooses to approach this is by understanding the “why”, the individual motivation behind each of your child’s behaviors (both positive and negative).
This isn’t to say that the book avoids providing clear and direct ideas on how to handle more common behavioral problems we face as parents, just that they’re done in a more generic sense providing points and counterpoints for the more common approaches to discipline (i.e. how to handle shouting in a supermarket). Additional scenarios are presented when relevant in discussing a particular principle, but they aren’t so outlandish as to feel contrived or so “out-there” you’d never experience something similar yourself.
While weaving her mantra of See it, Feel it, Be it, into all the chapters of this book, Dr. Lapointe makes it clear that attachment parenting is primarily about your connection to your children. This connection is not to be put in place instead of any boundaries, but is used to ensure we, as parents, are leveraging “our intuition and our own judgement to make appropriate context-based decisions …”. Gaining an understanding of only with the needs of your children, but also your own needs indicates that the emotional stability of the entire family (starting with the parents and ending with the children) are all important pieces of the discipline puzzle.
As a father there was definitely a more feminine angle used throughout the book, however it’s clear the book wasn’t written for mothers. I was still able to find a relevant middle ground for myself and could apply everything to my own experiences with my little ones. The length (~300 pages) means this book can become a quick refresher in times of additional pressure and is a fast enough read to revisit now and again just to brush up on a few good strategies. I’d recommend Discipline without Damage to all parents of little ones who are still looking to find their stride when it comes to dealing with some of the more challenging situations we’re all faced with now and again.
104 of 126 people found the following review helpful.
I don't understand what everyone sees in this book.
By Amie
I really had high hopes for this book after reading all the 5 star glowing reviews but, after reading it, I feel like it was a real let down. I have read lots of books on respectful parenting, connection-based parenting and mindful parenting and most of them have been really great and helpful in my goal to become a better parent. But this was one of the worst parenting books I've read. I really liked a lot of the concepts in this book but I felt like they were covered better in other books. I just had a really hard time reading it because the author likes to go off on these long, boring narratives to explain a concept. I found myself getting annoyed by this and wishing she would just get to the point already. It seems, by reading other reviews, that most people really liked this style of writing and enjoyed her anecdotes so this is probably more of a personal preference. There were some really good things about this book but, since there are already so many 5 star reviews talking about why this book is so great, I think I'll just be that jerk that only points out the stuff I didn't like.
I think the author goes overboard on trying to discipline without any damage sometimes to the point of being overly permissive at times. A lot of it has to do with the way she speaks to the children in her examples. I prefer to use language that is more direct and to the point and clearly states the behavior I expect. For example, if I wanted my kid to apologize to her brother for getting mad and throwing a shoe at him, I would just say "I want you to apologize to your brother for throwing your shoe at him" rather then "Sweetie, when you are ready, perhaps you can find a quick second to say sorry for the shoe throwing." I'm not really sure if the mom here is merely suggesting that the girl might want to apologize if she can find the time in her busy schedule, or if it's something that she expects her to follow through on. It's just not really clear. The other thing that bothered me about her examples is that she always seems to be telling kids how they're feeling rather then asking them. She seems to always be telling kids that they're feeling angry or upset or sad and explaining to them why they're feeling that way and that's it's okay to feel that way and then telling them that they're okay. Maybe I'm just being nitpicky here but it just seems very invalidating and dismissive to tell a child how they're feeling and to tell them that they're okay without even asking them if they feel okay. If I think a child is upset I might say to that child “ You seem really upset, can you tell me what's going on?” . If the child couldn't tell me then I might take a guess as to reason why but I would never presume to know for sure what a child is feeling or why.
And then there is another example where she talks about her 5 year old throwing a tantrum in the bleachers during the older child's figure skating practice and starts yelling and kicking the bleacher seats and disturbing other people. To this she tells her kid, “I knew you might have some kicks about this; it is okay. You let them go, you just get them all out as you need to.” I appreciate that she didn't freak out and start threatening punishment if he didn't start behaving. I am all about accepting my kids negative emotions and I do want him to feel safe expressing them to me without fear of punishment. At the same time, I don't think it's fair for other people to be disturbed by my kid's tantrum so I would not encourage him to continue the kicking the seats. It's important to be respectful to my child and his feelings but I also want to be respectful of others around me. There's also the concern, depending on the type of seats and how hard he's kicking, that he could damage the seats by kicking them. I understand that he's 5 and you can't just pick him up and carry him out like a toddler, but I'm not sure I buy the excuse that it was impossible for her to guide him out of the stands. Even if that were true though and there really was no way to get him out of there so he could have his meltdown in private, you could still physically hold his feet to prevent him from kicking the seats and say something like “It's okay to be upset with me but I can't let you kick the seats because it is disturbing others and you could damage the seat. I'm going to help you to stop kicking. “ I would maybe encourage him to take some deep breaths and try and calm down and tell me how he was feeling or even just let him continue to cry until he was all done if that's what he needed to do. I don't know if this is the right answer or not but I just couldn't in good conscience allow my child to continue kicking seats and disrupting other parents from watching their kids skating practice. It's one thing to be accepting of feelings but that doesn't mean I allow the bad behavior. I don't think it does a kid any favors not to teach them socially acceptable ways to express their emotions.
She also recommends this discipline method where you basically just avoid the conflict by making an excuse to leave the room and allow the child to do whatever they want. She gives the example of a mom that says no to her daughter's request to watch an extra show and then immediately realizes after that she didn't need to say no and it didn't really matter to her if she watched another show that night. Instead of just telling her kid that she changed her mind, she stops the kid mid-blowout and makes up this excuse about needing to run outside real quick and turn off the sprinkler and tells her daughter to hold on a second and they will discuss it when she gets back. Then she just takes awhile getting back allowing enough time for the DVD to automatically start the next episode and just pretends like nothing happened and considers it a win because she avoided the emotional blow out by allowing the child to get what she wanted in a way that didn't risk damaging the relationship. She claims that this is better then the alternative of giving in to demands and appearing submissive to your child. That just sounds crazy to me! I think this is much worse because you're still being submissive, you're just doing it in a passive avoidance way. Is there really something wrong with just being honest with your child and telling them, "You know I changed my mind. I was wrong to say you couldn't watch another show. It's okay with me if you watch an extra show today." I think I would much rather my child think I'm capable of bending the rules once in a while then thinking I'm incompetent. This kid is either going to think her mother is an idiot who is unaware of what is going on or, most likely, she will be smart enough to realize that her mother was just making up an excuse to avoid conflict and allowed her to have her way without saying anything. Either way, you lose authority this way because you're showing that you're not really in control of the situation. I think if you're going to say no to your child, you should have the conviction to stick by your no and face the blowout and deal with the fact that your child may not like you very much for a little while, or admit that you changed your mind and risk the chance that your child might think you are being submissive and giving into them.
The author says that the keys to overcoming guilt and uncertainty in parenting is to remember that you only have to be a good enough and to believe in yourself. But then she goes on later to write that you should always remember, in order to maintain your relationship with your child, to “Do nothing, say nothing, and be nothing that would interfere with their belief in you as their go-to big person.” What the hell kind of advice is that!? Can someone please explain to me how I am supposed to maintain my confidence and authority as a parent while constantly analyzing every single thing I do, say and am for fear that I might harm my relationship with my child? How does anybody parent this way? ? What happened to just being good enough? I would be paralyzed with fear all the time if I followed this advice. I guess that explains why she feels she has to make up an excuse and exit the room in order to passively avoid situations that might lead to conflict with her child. I would probably do the same thing if I had that much fear.
The last major complaint I have about this book is that she advises this method that she calls “Get the shout out”. The idea behind this is that, when you notice your child is acting out frequently because of some pent up emotions, you pick a time that is convenient for you, when you have the time and energy to deal with your child's strong emotions, and attempt to move your child to tears in order to release those pent up feelings and improve their behavior. I remember reading about this idea of scheduled meltdowns on a parenting blog about a year ago and wondering what kind of a person would attempt to manipulate a child's emotions for their own convenience? I was really surprised to see this method advised in a book from an author that advocates having respect for children. This just seems like anything but respectful to me. I realize that it's inconvenient when a child chooses a bad moment to release pent up emotions, like having a meltdown in the middle of the checkout line in the grocery store, but that's life. You deal with it the best you can and move on. I don't feel like it's my right to move my child to tears at a time when I'm ready to deal with it. She doesn't mention asking her child if it's a convenient time for him to meltdown. She even says that you should pick a time when your child is capable of being moved to a place of “soft sadness” rather then “angry, yelly-shouty tears of frustration”. How arrogant do you have to be to think you can possibly predict what kind emotions are going on in a child's complex little brain and how they might be moved to express those emotions when you start pressing their little buttons. If you want to schedule a time to talk to your child about their behavior and the feelings that might be causing it, that's fine. But don't do it with the expressed goal of trying to get them to yell at you and be moved to tears. I think I'm just particularly sensitive to any tactics involving emotional manipulations because I grew up with an emotionally abusive step-father that would attempt to make me cry just because he hated himself and it made him feel better to make someone else feel the way he was feeling. Whatever the reason for manipulating a child's emotions, whether it be for convenience or low-self esteem, I just feels so wrong to me.
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